writings

editor's note   

Read Between the Lines

                I, I’m so glad to be alive
                I finally realize
                Deep inside, but
                My well’s runnin’ dry
                It’s not long ‘til
                I’ll die
                And all that I have tried
                Will be left behind
                And not much accomplished
                        But there’s still time

2005    

My Dreams of Late Are Often Mazes

           My dreams of late are often mazes
           I stumble through in lonely dazes
                    questing for an unknown prize
           with unsuccessful plans devised

2005    

I've Been on the Clock/ the

                I've been on the clock/ the
                tick-tocking clock/ of others/
                and that has been a cause/
                of my long/ stagnation/ where
                has it gone?/ my time?/ handed
                out to any booze jockeying
                liar/ who could amuse me/
                for a while/ Well, I want my
                time back/ and I just may attack/
                anyone who tries to stall me.
                And maybe I don't want to live
                in this irredeemable world/ but
                what other options are there . . .
                for a pseudo-aetheist?/ Yeah, I
                lack ambition/ because the filth
                at the top reeks far more than
                the deepest sewer.

                And as if nothing
                more could go wrong
                tonight—my pencil
                has BROKEN

2005    

Under Attack —
Give the World Nothing to Look at

    Under Attack — Give the world nothing to look at
                                        but his back

    Put on the best disguise — cast downward
                                        his eyes

    It's the wrong way, to run away, but it's the only
                                        way — he knows

    He fought and he lost — and he's so tired of losing

2005    

Talkin' to Myself at the Station

    Talkin' to myself at the station,
    Sittin' in the pourin' rain,
    Ripped my new shirt
    Pocket with a hole,
    And I'm chasin' all the coins rollin' down the drain.

2005    

There's Music in the Core of the Human Heart

    There's music in the core of the human heart...
    There's a spark and desire to express through art.

2005   

It's a Sorta Sad Feeling, Yes

    It's a sorta sad feeling, yes,
    Though I'm calmly resigned to this fate.
    Yet there's a lingering doubt
    As if half of my life has passed on by.
    The clock is ticking/ with each day,
    But I'm not listening/ and it fades away.

2005    

Ominous Dream

    Outdoors. Sort of random and
                             nonsensical.
    The hood of the car becomes
                                 inflatable.
    We stop—why, I can't recall.
    A long trail of black cloud snakes
                             across the sky.

    Look up and see the bombs fall,
                                     a cluster,
    Right above. At this moment, I know
                                  I'm going to die.
    Everything goes black. No explosion
                                    to be heard—
    All is black. There is a sensation
                                  of warmth—
    Then fade back to reality.

2004   

TV Is Killing My Brain

    First he puffs, coughs, coughs a lot.
                Throat irritation. To the point of
    Vomiting almost. Snuck into bathroom feeling guilty
                Just wanting sink's water.
    Coughing violently. Give him good water, gulps.

    Freaks—saying TV is killing him, but he can't move.
                Goes to it so clumsily and spends 2 minutes trying to turn
    It off. Chokes. Randomly laughing hysterically.
                Finally unplugs TV.

    MTV killed Cobain. So sayeth I.
                Desire to end it on many an occasion,
    But sometimes feel attached. Alternates
                frequently between up and down.

    Now
    at moment
    where movements are
    swift and accurate, yet
                Feels otherwise. Hot blonde I need.
                                Beg to differ!

            do we     straight         The
    Why         write         lines All     TIME?
                How . . . unpoetic.

    .Left To Right Is Sentence This

    Not yet food—hungers. Nobody Should.
    Can't complete my thought.
    Can't go out just yet.
    Possessed by the TV. Time=11:01.

    Everyone laughing. Laughing (not Kung Fu Fighting)!

    He'll solve all problems. Still undetermined if a
                good or bad experience, but good in the very nature
                            Of being an experience.

    Shalom Hunger. Shalom Free Food. TV is talking to me.
    Where's the device that speeds up and slows down the passage of time?

    Begins—I think I'm going crazy—Ends.
                Eat Now! Write Later!
    It didn't go too well. But food I have. Not as good
                As expected. From and made of parts unknown.

    You can't quit everytime you get an axe in your face. Now quit scratching
    your axehole and get out there. I'm not in the business of seeing what makes
    you happy, I'm in the business of kicking your axe.

    Video game atmosphere? Life examined as a movie? TV personality?
                My creativity is drained. It's 11:35. G'NIGHT.

2004   

Human Emotions, Devotions

    Human emotions, devotions,
    What drives us to strive?
    Whatever mental, physical, situational
    Spark that flashes in the dark                                             elemental
    The catalyst that makes a man
    Take drastic measures for unknown                                                 reasons
    I seem to lack—I can't place it,
    Can't find it. Is it there?
    Is it hidden? Does it not exist?

2004   

At This Point, He's Fairly

    At this point, he's fairly
    disenchanted with existence

    It's a sluggish advance with
    heavy resistance

    Happiness is entirely elusive
    And he's become mostly reclusive

    He's lost all inspiration
    Makes each move with hesitation

    Staring at the world with cold,
    dead eyes
    Masking the predicament with a
    shallow guise
    of dry wit and false self-
    satisfaction

2004   

Nothing Special Ever

            Nothing special ever
        Happens here, no matter
    How the coin falls.
            Damn it all to hell, how cruel.
    Huh? Indeed.
        No matter how this time
            Was passed, it was
        Passed, for what that's worth.

2004   

Sunglasses

    I wear these sunglasses all the time
                                           because
    they allow the world to look as dark
                                         as it feels
    dim the lights flashing atop the cop's
                                                  car
    dull the glisten of a recent blood
                                            smear

    I wear these sunglasses to censor the
    propaganda of the bright-lit city
    the passing faces of the 9-to-5ers
    appear as lifeless as they should
    and behind this mask, my own face
    must look as lifeless as it feels

    I wear sunglasses to hide my eyes
    so no one knows just what I'm thinking
    and chance to see through them
    that I fear the uncertainty surrounding

2004   

Turn into the Rags . . . My Noose

    turn into the rags . . .
                                          my noose
    they handed me a sentence . . .
                                     a well-worn tie
    9 to 5 w/ no parole . . .
                                feeding time each
    prison stripes replaced . . .
                                 noon at the local
    with blue collars . . .
                                      fast food joint

2004   

Confide in Me, My Child, and

    Confide in me, my child, and
        you'll sleep tonight,
        smelling of death

    What were you doing in the city?
        heavy of breath
        a dance of pain
        sorrows repaid a thousand times
        a trifle debt

2004     

I Don't Know What Spectre Has Taken Over Me

I don't know what spectre has taken over me . . . I sit in the backyard in the night with the silence. I close my eyes and bow my head and place my two index fingers to the ridge between my eyebrows. I feel them drill through the surface, the skin, the tissue, the bone, and penetrate my brain. They connect and are one, as if circuitry. Energy flows from fingertip to brain and in a matter of moments warmth flows throughout the body. The energy flows to my feet and the ground beneath and into and around the earth and through all life and matter it may touch and the energy of life and the earth returns the favor and everything is as one—yet not in harmony—it is chaos, untainted and wild.

The nerves of the brain absorb it all and, as if overstimulated, short-circuits. Closed eyes see all for a measure of time so minuscule that it can't be measured and then there is darkness. Disconnected and again alone but still hurt and shocked from the experience. The body shivers, madness creeps in, and I stand and exit in search of something normal . . .

2004   

Roll of the Dice and Flip

    Roll of the dice and flip
        of the coin.
    What willed this man to leave
        his safety and drive into the
        unknown? With no apparent
        cause—to benefit himself or
        his brethren?
    What a chance
        to take . . . with no cause
        and no hope to win. On the
        flip of a coin . . . so reverent to fate, but not
        quite the fatalist.
    What do you say of this man—who
        says nothing of himself?
    He's in . . . the choice has
        been made . . . there's no
        turning back.

    Was it worth the waste? Yes—
        simply for the completion of
        the thought? Yes—
    If this fate
        yields a sour result, should the
        choice of randomness be ever
        trusted? Ah, the weird looks
        from the weird.

                Of these writings I can say
    that I am not externally influenced,
        just internally odd (flawed?).

    And, pessimistically, I'd say:
    I wasted 2 ½ smokes and
    $9.50 to wind up in the
    same seat. Was the gamble on fate a
    failure? Yes, it was. Shall
    I ever trust a coin again?
    Probably.
                So much for fatalism.
    Shall we try existentialism
    next? Why don't I
    ask God? Godot?

2004   

Characterized by a Willingness to Empathize

                                        Characterized by a willingness to empathize,
                                                    though rarely able to sympathize,
                                                                always eager to exercise,
                                                                            an egotistical ability to patronize,

                                                    no way to rationalize
                                                                epitomize
                                                                randomize
                                                                analyze.

                                        Some people just talk far too much,
                                                    misguided or misintentioned,
                                                    relentlessly starved for attention.

                                        Who was trained not to spit in the fan?
                                        Who was fitted with collar and chain?

                                        He's watching his mind as it decays.
                                        He's grinning and fueling the flames.
                                        Why won't he stop it?
                                        The man's become crazed!

                                        What now?
                                                    Who's there?
                                                                How odd.

2004   

Variation on "Sympathy for the Devil"

                                I was there in ‘68 when Reverend King tried to end the pain
                                Made damn sure the trigger was pulled and brought martyrdom
                                                                                                            to his name

                               CHORUS

                                I was there in Baghdad and saw it was time for some change
                                Dropped bombs on the innocents, the world pleaded in vain

                                Woo, who
                                Oh yeah, get on down
                                Oh yeah, oh yeah!

2004   

Buried Beneath a Mound of Twisted Steel and Scorched Remains, He

                                Buried beneath a mound of twisted steel and scorched remains, he
                      gradually regained consciousness. His eyes opened to a blurry pool of
                                bright reds and indistinct greys swimming before him. His nostrils were
                      immediately bombarded by the awful stench of fire and death, his
                                  stomach twisting in knots, the urge to vomit overwhelming. Compelled
                      to escape, he tried desperately to move, but found himself pinned and
                                  trapped by sheets of heavy metal. Opening his mouth, he tried to
                      scream, but no sound was produced, and his lungs were suffocated
                                  by thick smoke. He wanted to lift his fists and slam them
                      repeatedly against the iron lid of his coffin, but his arms felt numb
                                  and paralyzed.
                                              "Buried alive. . .," an unknown voice whispered into his ear.
                                              "No . . ."
                                              "Buried alive . . .," the voice repeated, followed by a low snicker.
                                              "No . . ."
                                              "Buried, buried, buried!" the voice mocked.

2004   

Gift

      I gambled with God
              and broke
                       even . . .
                      Nothing can stop
                              me now.

      This is the world we've created—
                      Nothing is free and therefore
                      Nothing is holy.

2004   

In the Dark Morning, a Rider Approaches

            in the dark morning, a rider approaches
            shaking the dew from his shoulders, he enters
            oblivious to all, the master is sleeping
            the last dawn of his life, he shall never see
            when night had cast a black hand on the land
            his servants, unhappy, had left the door ajar

2004   

I Saw Her a Couple of Years Down the Road

        I saw her a couple of years down the road
        she flashed a smile, exchanged some words
        "couldn't you tell how much I used to love you?"
        I thought to myself

2004   

Tempest

    Lightning (once) shattered the
      darkest night.

    Thunder (once) ended the deadliest
      silence.

    The storm (once) approached with
      spectacular might.

    The waves (once) did break with
      terrible violence.

2003   

It All Comes Back in the End

  It all comes back in the end.
  It all comes round again.
  All the pain I said I never felt.
  All the love I said I never had.
  And the dreams that meant so much.
  That smiling face and soothing touch.

2003   

Diary of a Madman

  Sittin' on the can.
  Life's pretty good.
  Still no woman,
  But it doesn't bother me like it used to.
  O.K., done.

2003   

College French

    Ce lecon est tres stupide, non?
    Cette femme est belle.
    Mon luck's run out.
    Pas mal, pas mal!

2003   

Ode to Cassandre

                If only they knew that they
                        were being patronized . . .
                American education is
                        American conditioning . . .
                I won't let you tell me how
                        to think . . .

                In this paper, I will argue . . .
                In this paper, I will argue that . . .
                In this paper, I will argue that Iago's true motivation . . .

                Fuck this . . .

                I won't set my dreams
                        to your standards, or
                        my life to your
                                    morals . . .

                Every morning I awake to this same, endless march,
                my arms are numb and my mouth tastes of starch.

                Too long . . . too . . . complicated

2003   

The Days Are Too Darn Short, Here in the Town

                The days are too darn short, here in the town
                Lord, it's gettin' harder ‘n' harder to keep the pace down
                Feels like this life's already half passed me by
                The horizon's so grey through that high-towered sky
                So just for a day, so I don't lose my mind
                Gonna jump in my car and westward I'll drive
                ‘Til there's nothin' but trees and a cool summer breeze
                Quiet, crawling streams and green, drifting leaves
                But I took the farthest road to its end and
                    still the thunder of engines in the distance. Damn.

                Well, I guess it'd be a lie if I could live absent technology
                but we're runnin' round too much to step and live in unity
                And I'm a quick-paced fellow who bores pretty easy
                But I swear I can't stand too much more of this city . . .

                Ya just can't escape modernization

                No matter how far the woods take me, the cars and choppers
                    still fly by.
                Sat and watched a pack-saddle crawl for a good many minutes . . .
                Good for the health to slow down when you can . . .
                Kept going in circles, looked confused, a simple enough life.

                The only way to slow this time-bomb down is to get drunk
                And I find myself drinkin' more and more each night
                In these self-made prisons of houses and cars and clubs and bars
                Can't find any happiness when lacking a dollar.

                Depression and sloth have progressed to a habit
                And the headaches get worse or I'm takin' more tablets
                My body's adapted to sittin' so still that I get ill
                The ashtray's full and the love's next to nil
                And the sun ain't a beautiful thing no more, it just stings
                Reflected off the hot pavement, the buildings
                The more people that surround, the more alone I feel
                None of their faces show care, there's nowhere to appeal.

                "Enough! Enough!"—I'm gonna shout ‘til my lungs are drained
                "It couldn't have always been this way . . . couldn't have always
                    been this way."

                What I'd give for a nice blonde in short shorts to jog by . . .
                I guess that'd ruin the illusion of nature, though.
                It'd be a nice enough ruining. Heh.

2003   

What Once Mattered Is No More

                        What once mattered is no more.
                        All that seemed has ceased.
                        I sit in the shadows . . .
                        I sit all alone . . .

                        What brought me to this place where
                            the sun never shines and the door
                            never opens?

                        How much did I sin?
                        Can I begin again?

                        Is this ghost really me?
                        Was this my destiny?

                        Upon the shores of an empty soul I now stand.
                        Have I truly come to the end?

2003   

The Biggest Lie Is That We Even Feel

    No love, no tears, no pain, no fears
    A walking ghost, from our own dreams

    (No love, no tears, no pain, no fears)
    Nothing is ever what is seems

2003   

Random Thoughts

    Is this really what I wanted?
    Did everything just stand still?
    There's so much work I still have to do.
    My nose really fucking itches.
    Was that something moving behind me?
    Weren't there four boats earlier?

    I could have sworn I saw something moving.
    Those are some VERY odd red lights to the north.
    OK, I know I saw something back there . . .
    The waves are getting pretty now.

    I really should be getting back now.
    I left so much unfinished.
    But the ocean is tempting, and beckons me.
    What reason have I to play deaf?
    Who will miss me upon these shores?
    What stops me from making the leap?

    I think I'll drive back home now.
    There are some things I still have to know . . .

2003   

Seek Answers

  Seek answers to questions you create,
  Bid me speak compassion . . . in my heart I know only hate.

  I'll say not a word to direct you out of the maze.

2003   

Buried Alive

      The dirt and the mud seeps around,
          Each day I sink deeper
                                          in the ground

2003   

For a Second There, I Almost Convinced Myself

        For a second there, I almost convinced myself
        I was capable of fear.
        That was a good second.

        I'm always late in every aspect of life.
        And it's always raining . . .

2003   

It Just Doesn't Seem to Mix, My Past and Present

                It just doesn't seem to mix, my past and present . . .
                Who I was and who I am.

                I changed so much so quickly, leaving this blind man
                            w/o a sense of direction.
                There're faces in the crowd,
                            some I can name, none look the same.

                Have I come full circle already? Do I know all there isn't to know?

2003   

This Thing Called Depression

        This thing called depression
                simply seems to be a conglomeration of regrets
                about the choices we made or the opportunities we didn't take.
        Choices being freedom, it can be concluded
                that to be free is to be depressed
                and the adage of happiness resulting from freedom is a tad flawed.

2003   

Lately, I've Been Agitated . . .Irritated . . . Complicated

                    Lately, I've been agitated . . . irritated . . . complicated.
                    My faith in you was overrated . . .
                    The gate to your feelings barricaded.
                    I don't know why or when or how.

2003   

The Wall

                    Yeah, I have seen the writing on the wall.
                    I know one day I'll die when the Reaper doth call.
                    And no hammers or bombers can make the thing fall.
                    So I don't think I need anything at all.

2003   

I See the Letdown on Your Face

            I see the letdown on your face

            There's so much fucking injustice in this
            world . . . could it ever have been different?

            Walls cannot hold me!

            Alter your path
            Or one day you'll hate it, like I do

2003   

And Since That Day I've Drifted Farther and Farther

                                    And since that day I've drifted farther and farther
                                    until I could no longer catch sight of land.
                                    There is where I sit, in the middle of a vast
                                    ocean, upon a raft without a sail, hoping the
                                    winds will chance me upon the coast of
                                    another. But I cannot be anchored. I'll
                                    drift forever . . . alone if I have to.

                                    You . . . said . . . all . . . this . . . time . . . that . . . you . . .
                                    would . . . die . . . for . . . me.
                                    Why then . . . are you so . . . surprised . . . when you . . .
                                    hear . . . your own eulogy?

                                    This is what you wanted.
                                    This is what you had in mind.
                                    This is what you're getting.

2003   

The Reaper Sends His Regrets

            The Reaper sends his regrets,
            He's sorry that you died.
            If he'd led you to think you'd live forever,
            He's sorry, but he lied.
            His icy grasp's been around your neck
            Since the day you were born.
            Picked a number, and yours came up.

2003   

From Morning to Night, I Stayed Out of Sight

        From morning to night, I stayed out of sight
        Didn't recognize what I'd become
        No more than alive, I barely survive
        In a word—overrun

2003   

A Random Essay on Eminent Return

    The topic of this paper is going to be centered
     Mostly on the apparent absence of permanent death,
     Which I like to categorize as "Eminent Return."

2003   

You Can Eat All the Cheese

    You can eat all the cheese
            and smell all the
                    flowers you want,
    You'll just get really fat and stung by bees.

2003   

There's Something Kind of Sad About

                There's something kind of sad about
                The way things have come to be
                De-stigmatized to everything
                What became of subtlety?

2003   

Dogs—Pigs Preach to Me About the Path I Take

                Dogs—Pigs preach to me about the path I take
                Drop me to my knees—order me to repent and pray
                Assuming I wish the Dead to inform me of my fate

                They desire to strike me blind, and then show me the Way

                And though the darkness of their promises is more inviting than the Truth
                I've been led since I was born and now refuse to act the Fool
                And yet they have the gall to call us Ignorant

                They have the nerve to say they know Things . . .

2003   

Wear the Grudge Like a Crown

                I have come curiously close
                to the end, though
                beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole
                defeated, I conceded.
                move closer, I may find
                comfort here.
                I may find
                peace
                within the emptiness
                calling for me.

2003   

Soul of Black, I Walk This Mortal Land An Outcast

                    Soul of black, I walk this mortal land an outcast.
                    I am the midnight wind that dances in the trees, and whispers
                      lost hopes to deafened ears. Shadows follow in my wake,
                      masking the trail I walk, erasing me from existence.

                    Though I see, I am blind.
                    Though I know, I am mad.

                    Lend me no support, for my will has been my crutch
                      and shall be until I pass. Look not to me for
                      comfort, for you shall find none within this hollow shell.

2003   

Good, by its Very Nature, Creates Evil

                Good, by its very nature, creates evil.
                There can be no hero without a villain.
                The far side of right is never far from wrong.
                Those who fight for what is "righteous" made up the "wicked."
                The world at war, good versus evil, none of it makes sense.
                He who talks too loudly drowns out another's voice.
                He who is holy deprives another of God.
                For all who live, a debt of death is paid.

2003   

Time Is a Desert of Ever Shifting Sands

            Time is a desert of ever shifting sands
            With ceaseless winds and beating sun that tear apart the land
            Burying and crumbling the highest things that stand

            One day I shall be buried too . . .
            Why then do I continue this fight?

2003   

I Own You, Boy

        The world's vast, you've gotta be fast, past,
            present, future, just remember,
        Nice guys finish last.

        Pistol gripped, sweat dripped,
        Blood spilled, rage-filled.
        Rain falls. Storm calls.
        Wind blows. Wind blows. Wind blows.

2003   

Conceded?

        Conceded?
        Didn't know I'd given up.
        Just because I'm broken doesn't mean I won't fight.

        Systematically you stripped me of my humanity?
        This malicious, spiteful creature you helped to make?
        Bitter beyond words and reason.

        Each and every one of you is weak,
        Following like mindless sheep.
        I've strayed too far to join the herd,
        Alone I walk, and shall remain, alone.

2003   

They All Look the Same, Blonde and Blue

    They all look the same, blonde and blue,
            lying under this sun.
    It's a good thing the sky
            tells me it's noon,
                    ‘cause they
                    wouldn't give
                    me the
                    time of
                            day.

    But it's the
            skinny shiny sweet
            thing with the
                    short dark
            hair who has
                    my eyes.
            So out of
                    place.

    The greasy fat thugs can
            ogle the blondes all they want.

    you kissed me softly, but just to hide
    the darkest feelings you put aside

    I've stretched beyond my means.

2003   

Can't Seem to Sleep

    I expected to see her when I opened
        my eyes . . . will I see her again? Will
        it be the same? I close my eyes and there
        she is once more, like a waking dream, so
        vivid. To think, if I'd done better with this
        life . . .

    Sometimes
        I feel that if there is a god that
        gave us the gift of choice, it was only so we
        can regret the choices . . .

2003   

The Lad

        Curiosity killed the cat, but boredom killed the lad.
        He spent his life doing what they said.
        He worked all day, and now he's dead.
        Young, he had big dreams.
        They were shredded at the seams.
        He followed his brain, but not his heart,
        And let others tear his dreams apart.

        He measured his wealth by the size of his pocket.
        When his train left town, no sum of cash could stop it.

        He'd thought the friends he had sincere,
        But only when he bought them beer.
        When the old man croaked, they didn't care.
        His funeral passed, not one was there . . .

2003   

I Sat Alone Aside a Grassy Trail

    I sat alone aside a grassy trail
    A voice spoke from the trees and bade me follow
    I travelled through woods of infinite shadow
    It spoke to me of a childhood memory
    Of love, and tears, and pain, and fears
    Of an empty soul that begged to be free

    And in this moment I knew I would spend
    My whole life searching for that nameless truth
        upon the wind . . .

2003   

The Dreams That Come to Life

    The dreams that come to life,
    far too prominent than to pass off as deja vu.
    An aching moment of premonition
    shatters any preconceptions of free will or unwritten future.
    Is there any way to verify?
    Hell, is there any certainty that time's advancing at all,
    not just standing still?

    Posing questions,
    never finding answers,
    and what not.
    Haven't got anything better to do.

2003   

The Smoke Drifted Lazily

    The smoke drifted lazily
                            up towards
                the scattered stars of the evening sky.
    Higher and higher
                            it climbed
                until it seemed to merge with the clouds above
                            and disappeared
                forever into mist.

    One day I'll write my own standards
                            with the blood
                of those who forced theirs upon me.

2003   

Moonlight . . . There's Nothing Quite as Ominously Beautiful

                            Moonlight . . . there's nothing quite as ominously beautiful.
                            Sitting alone out here beneath her gaze—I now understand why
                             man first had the unquenching desire to risk life and pride to reach her.

                            Her reflection in the water—is any more proof required
                            to find that life is sacred?
                            Staring at the sky, sorrow . . .
                            I am stuck, on this planet, in this place . . . in this mind.

                            Am I the only one who feels this way?
                            Madness. I feel truly mad. There is little sanity.

                            Well, I think I'll end this rant. Depressed, I touch the water.

2003   

Resurrection

    One day, you'll chance a look, and I'll be gone.
    Should you wait for the sun, I'll have left before dawn.
    I've awaited your arrival for all too long.
    Pack my bags, hit the road, as I sing a new song.

    No longer will others dictate my course.
    Retrace the waters that I've sailed to their source.
    And from the beginning, forge a path that's my own.
    And this time I know I can walk it alone.

2003   

Am I Making Any Sense at All?

                    —Am I making any sense at all?
                    —No.
                    —Good. That means I'm on the right track
                    —Damn it! Why do you always have to be so fucking
                                    philosophical? Can't you just sit down and see
                                    things as they are?
                    —I've been sitting for 19 years, love. 19 long, meaningless
                                    years and I haven't seen anything yet. Do you ask me
                                    to sit for another 19? Will I see anything by then?
                                    . . . I'm through with sitting.

2003   

January 5, 2003, 4:30 a.m.

    Time to sleep . . . it was a Good day . . . though I didn't
    accomplish the change I wanted. Maybe realized
    that I'd already changed.

    Don't feel any rush to go back to that place.
    I realized all too late,
    that there was nothing for me there—and yet,
    I haven't lost hope.

    Was thinking of the things mom said to me
    earlier . . . I owe this much
    to her. No matter what happens, no matter
    who breaks me, no matter what more piles
    of misfortune may find their way to
    my doorstep, I will never give up . . . perhaps
    that was the change that occurred today, and
    if so, it was a Good one.

2003   

Just Wait and Do Your Time

    Just wait and do your time . . .
    Broken for your crime . . .
    Abandoned to your fate . . .
    Salvation comes too late . . .
    Laid to rest too soon . . .
    Beneath the blood-red moon . . .
    Shot down from the sky . . .
    Had just begun to fly . . .

    Suspended perpetually . . .
    Falling eternally . . .
    Through the dark, morbid clouds.
    Through the dark, morbid clouds.

    Black, hopeless night, hear the voice calling.
    Drawn to the dark, join the ranks of the fallen.
    Gathered in the depths, to number over a million.
    Side by side, marching to oblivion.

2003   

I'm Tired, I'm Tired

    I'm tired, I'm tired
    But not yet retired
    My insomnia's dire
    But 12 cups of coffee . . . I'm wired, wired, wired
    Lord knows that I'm fired-up!

    Think I'll have another cup
    And with any luck
    The sun's not yet up
    Cause I'm feelin like a pupp-et!
    On loose strings
    Dangling this way, that way, any way!
    Fuck, what a day!

    Left my mind somewhere at noon
    In a Saharan sand-dune.

2003   

Human

        Nameless now . . .
        Shameless now . . .
        Faceless now. . .
        Raceless now . . .
        Nothing now . . .
        Worthless now . . .
        Nowhere now . . .
        Useless now . . .
        Fearless now . . .
        Peerless now . . .
        Faithless now . . .
        Godless now . . .

        This is necessary . . .
        Life feeds on life . . .
        Feeds on life . . .
        Feeds on life . . .

        I don't know what to think . . .
        I don't know what to feel . . .
        I don't know what is right . . .
        I don't know what is real . . .

2002   

You Cannot Reach Me Now

        You cannot reach me now . . .
        No matter how you try . . .
        Goodbye, cruel world, it's over . . .
        Walk on by . . .

        Sitting in a bunker, here behind my wall . . .
        Waiting for the worms to come . . .
        In perfect isolation, here behind the wall . . .
        Waiting for the worms to come . . .

        Dissembling . . . folding . . . opposed to reassembling.

        Empty and abandoned, what reason did he have to carry on?
        Why was he awake when all he desired to do was sleep?
        The phone began to ring as the clock advanced,
                echoing time's passage.
        Why should he answer it?
        In another room, the answering machine buzzed into action,
                and a loud voice emanated from the speakers:
        "This is Clyde. Leave a message."
        The grinding sound of the tape rewinding was then followed
                by a beep and a voice:
        "I'm not going to pretend to need you anymore."

2002   

Knife in the Grass

    I was killing time the other night,
    Mad about something and aching to fight.
    I was out in the courtyard throwing my knife.
    It landed in the grass, snatched out of sight.

2002   

That Voice Off in the Distance

            That voice off in the distance
            Still calls me as I sleep
            And though only for an instance
            I wish to let it lead

2002   

The New Machine

        "Sometimes, I get tired of the waiting.
        Sometimes, I get tired of being in here.
        Is this the way it's always been?
        Could it ever have been different?"

2002   

Fly Away, Bird

        Fly away, bird – this world's not right for you.
        So pure, so sweet, so unassuming.
        As yet, untouched by the darkness looming.
        Fly away, bird – it's what you have to do.
        Don't sing your song to me, it's too late to be spared.
        My soul's been lost in the endless frost,
        Been far too long since I seemed to care.
        The winters don't end here, your coat of feathers is so light.
        Fly away, so quickly now – to avoid the cold wind's bite.
        The sun, it never rises on these bleak and barren plains.
        Fly away, so quickly now, to avoid the icy rains.
        If you stay too long, you'll flap your wings and find them heavy to lift.
        Pain, sorrow, and loneliness will be your only gifts.

        The sky is not yet dark; you can find your way back home.
        Let the western light be your guide, or forever you will roam.
        Please, my love, my only friend, I beg you, fly away.
        You've come to mean so much to me, but I can't ask you to stay.

2002   

It's Nice to Know That When the World Gets Me Down

                    It's nice to know that when the world gets me down
                    You'll be there with a grin on your face.
                    When I'm around you guys, I just can't frown.
                    Put the crap behind us, and split a case.
                    Pass the time before we rest.

                    Life's too short to be depressed.
                    Side by side we traverse this shadowed path.
                    Light up a smoke, and share a laugh.
                    Pick up our arms, and charge with a howl.
                    Had I battled alone, I'd have thrown down the towel.

2002   

America is a Paradox

  America is a paradox
  Treasure nature, destroy it readily
  "Love" peace, sanction violence

2002   

Wolf in a Suit and Tie

  I didn't have any purpose in this world,
  Until I saw a blonde-haired girl
  Walking around on the sunniest of days
  Melting my heart with her blue-eyed gaze.

2002   

The Way Things Go

        Loud noises echoing . . . otherwise, complete silence
        Almost slow motion, the elapse of time

        Everything building up to an action
        Anticipation of the next sort of reaction

        Use of lots of liquids . . . slow dripping until something happens
        Never seems to lose its momentum
        Contrasts of water and flame, one incites a slower reaction than the other

        In my opinion (and I am often wrong) it is a parallel image of life
        Slow, dull paths that lead to larger, more important events.

2002   

Life Out of Balance

        Music changes and voices stop repeating
            when life transitions to plateaus
        Sound reinforces ideas of rhythm and repetition

        Then how so Life out of balance?

        From plateaus, to sands, to mountains, to clouds, to waterfall, to water,
            to big machine #6 of death . . . black cloud of destruction
                in its wake . . . pipelines, wires . . . man cutting through nature
                    Factory, smokestacks . . . . out of place in wilderness

        Man manipulates and shapes water to his own ends

        Bulldozer, dynamite . . . more anti-industrialist junk
            The all too common images of the mushroom cloud
                People on the beach, next to nuclear power plants

        Music changes, sort of dark

2002   

The Angry Tides Turn So Suddenly, So Relentlessly

                    The angry tides turn so suddenly, so relentlessly.
                    Fight, kick, swim to stay on top . . . ride the wave,
                    Only to be bruised and broken, tossed aside.

2002   

Revelation

    I can't bring myself to do it.
    I can't bring myself to do it.
    A million repressed feelings,
    A collection of broken dreams,
    The hopes of an empty soul,
    The madness of a lonely mind.
    Trapped in a cage of my own bones.
    Fallen into a tomb piled with regrets.
    Haunted by her voice.
    Endless deafening shrieks.
    Fists pounding on the ground.
    For all the wrongs of the world!
    For all the guilt of a wasted life!
    For everyone I've hurt and deceived!
    For the limitations of this mortality!
    Cry, damn it!
    For all the nights trying not to die, cry!
    For all the questions without answers, cry!
    Can't you smell it?!
    Can't you taste it?!
    The blood is all over my hands,
    A broken shell lying amongst smoking ruins!
    Cry, damn it! Cry!
    Bleed tears for the choices you didn't have!
    Ruined! Shattered! Beaten. Cry!
    I can't bring myself to do it . . .
    I can't bring myself to do it . . .
    I can't . . .
    I can't . . .
    I can't . . .
    I will never cry again.

2002   

December 2, 2002, 6:50 a.m.

        Not sure why I'm awake,
                but I am,
                        and I'm at the beach.

        Too cloudy to see the sunrise.
        Soft rolling waves,
        flocks of birds,
        lovely pale blue sky.

        The air is perfect.

        A solitary sandpiper pecks the ground
                and runs away
                        quickly
                                from the waves.
        Didn't seem to notice I was here.

        The waves are picking up,
        inching closer and closer to my feet.

        A seagull just flew maybe five feet
                right above my head.

        Another sandpiper—I was standing in his path
                and he just walked around me.

        Well, enough serenity.
        Back to reality . . .

2002   

Two Paths Lay Before Me

    Two paths lay before me.
    A third cuts between them.

Weak and obedient
You follow the leader,
Down the well-trodden corridors
Into the valley of steel.

    I lived for you, I fought for you,
    I die for you.
    Should the world fade to darkness,
    So long as you remain, there shall always
    Be a shining beacon of hope . . .

    My soul, empty . . . void.
    My heart, always looking . . . for something to need.

2002   

Tossed about by Gentle, Rolling Waves

    Tossed about by gentle, rolling waves
    Lost for days with no wish to be saved
    A soft, orange sun that never sinks
    Upon the sparkling water, adrift and at peace
    All the worries of the world left upon the shore
    Stuck upon a boat without a sail, and lacking oar
    Always hungry, always thirsty, always tired

2002   

Songbird

It hurts me to see you hurting,
I can't stand to see you crying.
The way you feel, disconcerting,
But despite the pain, you keep on trying.

This world seems cruel, so damn unfair.
You beat your wings, catch no air.
You sing your song, and no one hears.
I watch you sit, and cry your tears.

You think you sing and nobody hears.
You only play to deafened ears.
I know your voice, hear it clear.
You seem so far, but you must be near.

Let's runaway and leave this place.
Let's spread our wings and go today.
Let's find some ground where we can stand.
Let's glide the course, and there we'll land.

2002   

Crossword

Clashing steel, biting frost;
The Heavens reel, the battle's lost.

2001